The Folly of Merizu
by Calliope Epsilon
Summary: Mary Sue Crack! ahoy, because I like to pick on Neji and I read too much fanfiction. Neji has a gaspfianceegasp. Tenten ought to help him out, but she'd really rather not be involved.........
1. Chapter 1

**beware of spoilers, maybe. and a whole lot of crack. **

**d i s c l a i m e r: i do not own naruto. be thankful.**

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It had been a pretty good day, all in all, up until that point.

"Hyuuga Neji, meet your fiancée."

Neji felt his eye twitch. Not that she wasn't beautiful, oh no, she was just_dazzling_, _mesmerizing_, (to the point that he kind of wondered how long it took her to get ready in the morning). No, it was the fact that—

"I'm _sixteen_," he told Hiashi, in an attempt to bring sanity into the conversation. Surely they weren't _that_ old-fashioned?

"Nonsense!" said Hiashi brightly. "You are very mature for your age, and I'm sure that… er, what's your name, dear?"

The girl gave Neji her most beautiful smile, which disturbingly reminded him of Gai-sensei. Except about a hundred times worse, though he couldn't fathom why.

"My name is Merizu. I have a bloodline limit twice as powerful as the Uchiha Sharingan. I was formerly Kazekage Gaara-sama's fiancée. I am originally from Leaf, but I was raised in Mist, Sand, Sound—"

Neji looked at Hiashi. He looked at Merizu. Then he looked at Hiashi again.

"What," he said slowly, "have you been drinking?" And then, as an afterthought, he added respectfully, "Hiashi-sama."

"Nothing, nothing," Hiashi laughed, not unlike a girl. "But really, Neji! She is _perfect_ for you!"

"I fail to see why," Neji ground out, shifting a bit. The creepy smile directed at him by the Merizu girl was scaring him. _And,_ he told himself, _it takes a lot to scare Hyuuga Neji._

"What kind of Hyuuga are you?" Hiashi roared in a sudden rage, then hiccupped. Aw, crud, the effect was killed. _Oh well_. "Ahem. Behold for yourself, Neji."

Neji glanced at Merizu, and then averted his eyes. He really wished she would stop staring at him, like a cat.

"Still don't see it," Neji said, taking yet another step further.

"Why Neji! Don't you see—" Hiashi paused to stifle another hiccup. "—her _hair_! Her _hair,_ boy!"

"Her…hair?" Neji said weakly. Merizu flipped her silken curtain of ebony hair over her shoulder and made sure the light caught the sheen.

"Yes!" said Hiashi, triumphantly. "Her hair is pretty enough for the Hyuuga."

_I hate my clan_, Neji thought.

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**closing note: keep expecting updates this short. **


	2. Uh, Neji

**disclaimers at the first chapter.**

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"Neji-_samaaa_," Merizu whined, her voice unusually high in pitch. "Where are you _goiiing_?"

Neji restrained himself from saying, _away from you_. 'Cause, you know, he's generally polite to things that scare him. That's how he stayed with Gai-sensei all those years.

"To train," he said simply, walking a wee bit faster.

"Ah… Hiashi-_sama_ has ordered me to train with you!"

Twitch. "Out of the question. I already have a training partner. Hiashi-sama knows this."

"But he said—"

"Nothing of the sort," Hiashi himself said, as he passed by. He looked fairly amused. Neji raised an eyebrow at her, but Merizu didn't look even faintly embarrassed.

"—to accompany you," she continued in what she thought was a soft and gentle voice. To Neji it sounded very, very creepy. "Hiashi-_sama_ has ordered me to train with you. I will do as he says, because I will serve this family with every fiber of my being…"

Neji vaguely wondered how often she was dropped on the head as a child.

In the end, though, she went with him. Mostly so that she'd shut up.

"The first part of my plan is complete," Merizu said, distinctly audible. She laughed maliciously. Neji gave her a strange look.

"Pardon?"

"Oh, nothing Neji-_sama_!" she said brightly. She paused, and then continued, "Hah! I can fool even the great Hyuuga Neji! He's not so great!"

Neji blinked. He stiffened, and then quickened his pace. She was clearly insane.

Finally, they reached the clearing. Neji didn't know whether to be glad to see Tenten or not. On the one hand, she had always brought sanity and practicality into his life, proven many times over with Team Gai. On the other hand…

"You're late, Neji," Tenten said, looking very, very amused. "I was wondering why, but I guess I have my answer…"

"A girl? So, he does have a girlfriend!" said Merizu. "I'll bet he knocked her up already. But she's got_ nothing_ on me!"

Tenten stared. "Uh, Neji…"

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i shall update tomorrow, if i can sneak unto the computer long enough. And yes, each update is only about a page long, not including author's notes. Deal.


	3. Standard Bish Answer

"…" said Neji. He really didn't know what to do at this point, so he opted for the Standard Bishounen Answer.

"She even refers to Neji-_sama_ so familiarly!" Merizu gasped. "No matter, I'll play along, they shall never suspect a thing." She cleared her throat. "Pleased to meet you, Tenten-_san_," she said, in a completely different voice.

"Hi," said Tenten, "How did you know my name?"

"Neji-_sama_ told me on the way here," she replied sweetly, and then her voice became acid. "Already suspicious of me! Such a wily—"

"Um, right," said Tenten. "Are we training today, Neji? Or are you…" She looked at Merizu uncertainly. "…busy."

"Not busy," said Neji.

"_Of course_ he will be polite to her," said Merizu. "No matter. I am _far_ more beautiful."

"Merizu," Neji said suddenly. "I need you—" ("Hah! He needs _me_!") "—to return to the Hyuuga compound and inform Hiashi-_sama_ of a mission I have tonight. I will not be home for dinner."

"Of course, Neji-_sama_," she said, tossing her hair, and then added, "Obviously he trusts me more. My plan is working better than I thought!"

She ran off, tripping on the thigh-high boots she insisted on wearing.

"Effective," was Tenten's comment. Then she gave him a look that plainly awaited an explanation. He sighed. After explaining everything, she stared a little more. "Are you sure he said, 'Neji this is your fiancée' and not, 'Neji this is your very distant relative who is insane and a little unstable and I need you to take care of her'?" she asked.

Neji was not amused. "I refuse to believe that my fate is to marry a psychopath."

"Fate, bah," Tenten said. Then she grew mischievous. "What if it is your destiny to marry her? Am I invited to the wedding? Do I have to wear a kimono?"

"Doesn't it bother you at all," Neji asked, giving her a very pained look, "that I'm marrying an insane girl with hair acceptable by Hyuuga standards?"

Tenten blinked. "Should I be?"

"…" (Well, _he_ thought she would!). Before anything got too awkward, however, the inevitable happened.

"HYUUGA NEJI! BY THE POWER OF MY YOUTH I SHALL DEFEAT YOU TODAY!"

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**next update is uncertain, due to crap like school. if we're lucky, next weekend.Have a nice week, folks.**


	4. Lee's Youthful Vocal Strain

Neji was growing pissed. It seemed like an eternity ago that he woke up and had a light breakfast, followed by soothing meditation and a thorough washing of his hair.

But then Hanabi caught him using her shampoo, and then things just went downhill from there.

"Lee," said Tenten in mock irritability, "Why are you yelling? We're not deaf…"

"I DO NOT KNOW!" Lee bellowed. "I AWOKE TODAY TO FIND THAT I COULD NOT SPEAK NORMALLY!" He paused for a breath. "I WAS ON MY WAY TO GAI-SENSEI AND POSSIBLY A MED-NIN, BUT THEN I SAW NEJI HERE AND COULD NOT RESIST!" He stopped again, gasping a bit, and then stood up straight to face Neji. "NEJI-MY-RIVAL, I—"

"HOLD IT!" said Tenten. "Are you saying, you can't make a sound _without_ shouting?"

"NO!" said Lee. "BUT IT IS A WONDERFUL WAY TO EXPRESS MY YOUTH!"

"…" said Neji, not at all being helpful.

"Strange day for both of you," said Tenten, shaking her head. "Lee's on a perpetual vocal strain and Neji's getting married."

There was a moment of stunned silence before Lee opened his mouth in surprise, shock, and happiness for his friend—("NOOO! YOU HAVE BEATEN ME _AGAIN_!")—and Neji gave Tenten a very sour look that said _thank you very much_.

And then, before anything else happened, Lee ran off at breakneck speed, shouting over his shoulder:

"I SHALL GO PROCLAIM THIS NEWS LOUDLY ALL OVER KONOHA! HYUUGA NEJI'S GETTING MAAARRIIIED! _HYUUGA NEJI'S_—"

"I'm _engaged_," said Neji, annoyed. "I'm not getting married."

"Don't be silly, Neji," said Tenten. "Everyone knows that it's practically the same thing."

"I'd ask you to not spread it," Neji continued, "But it's too late, isn't it?"

"Don't be silly, Neji," said Tenten. "If we go after Lee now, we _can_ stop him…"

"And why aren't you more bothered by the fact that I'm engaged? I probably won't be able to train with you any more, you know."

"Don't be silly, Neji," Tenten said cheerfully. "I can always train with Lee."

Well, Neji certainly wasn't a Happy Hyuuga that day.

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**I barely made it. Yay. Now I hope this posts... our internet's so wonkehhh...**


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